Sideway Erica

Dear Future-Seeing-Sideways Student, 

You are in for a ride. But only if you actually climb into the seat, and pull the safety bar over yourself. This class is what you make it. That is an expression I have heard time and time again in my life, without really grasping its full meaning. 

What it’s all about and what you’ll get:

No matter your current skill level, or place as a producer of creative schtuffs, you will walk away from this course (if you don’t view it as a blow-off class) with a functioning creative toolbox for tackling personal projects, commissioned projects, or even just life projects. 

You will refine your creative process. You will make neat stuff. You will walk away with a better sense of your self in the big bad world out there—— you will figure out ways to distinguish yourself, as well as way sot align yourself. All of that sounds very vague, but it’s true. This class is not traditional, and should challenge your view of what a “class” is. 

You’ll feel intimately connected to your classmates (if the class works), but still, these classmates will probably remain strangers. It’s almost like a “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mindset” with a stripper you came to know on very personal level, but will never see again. Relaxed, open, and welcoming, you are invited to open up you, the biggest ingredient to personal growth. You, if lucky, will also challenge your set of beliefs— on a wide variety of topics— art, religion, politics, existence, and come out either knowing the answers and reasoning behind your beliefs even better, or with a possible new set entirely. 

Effect on approach to future classes:

Bullshit is everywhere. You will probably see that more in future class assignments, or really, in everything. But hopefully, if the course has taught you anything at all, is that bullshit can be meaningful. 

Anyway, that’s what I think will happen if you take Beth’s class. Aside from the shock-value antics of a curse-laden discussion dialogue, you will walk away a richer, more purposeful person for having taken it. And you might find yourself saying the word shit more. 

Sincerely, 

Erica

That is Roxy, the love of my cat life. She is spoiled. So, in this class critique, I thought I’d send a little Roxy love your way, Beth. 

Perhaps that is the takeaway from this class for me. I felt spoiled. Spoiled because I was given the time to focus on myself, treat myself, and do some of the things I’ve wanted to do or learn about in this program but was unable to make time for myself for in the past. I can only be grateful for this course, it came at a crucial time in my graduate “career”, as it were. My last semester burned me out quite a bit, as they sometimes do. The tools supplied in this course I hope to use and apply to a permanent creative toolbox.

Not to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows. The class was slow-going. I sat in some classes feeling like our teeth were being pulled to get a good discussion going. In a room of mostly creative people, I found it ludicrous, and somewhat stifling.  But then, then, came the slow-bloom after the fear assignment. People began revealing very personal, intense parts of themselves, and sha-bam, we all had grown. To further cement the cliched metaphor, our seeds had finally taken root, and now we were all flowers of different colors, shapes, and sizes, making the classroom garden rich and rewarding. 

The open structure of the course was a challenge for me. A regimented learner, I like syllabi, (which we did have, in all its different interesting forms), but this is mostly because I know what is expected of me, and therefore, what to expect for a grade. Realizing a few classes in that this class is a self-education class, I knew there was no appropriate syllabus for that. There is also no simple way to convey that this class was what you made of it, no more, no less. Beth, you were not going to tap-dance for us, we were not there to be entertained, we were there, in a way, to figure out a way to entertain ourselves. 

Ultimately, I let go a little bit, and that is where I have personally felt the most growth. I’ve learned to take delight in accidents, and try to see where the process takes me more than where I take the process. It is in this way that I’ve completed some of the most inspired works I’ve done in a while, and in a way that just sort of came together in this miraculous way, that really isn’t as miraculous as I originally thought. I’ve also challenged myself as a media-producer by attempting to edit and in one instance, create original content for, video projects. While I often relied on photography I’ve taken in the past, I tried to force myself into areas that I’ve not yet had success in, while also purposefully forcing connections to passions of mine. 

And that is the biggest lesson of all. With my current job, I struggle to find passion in creating what I consider to be boring non-profit websites. If I can connect these projects to personal passions of mine, the projects stand a lot better of a chance to be interesting. I hope I can be successful at that in the future. 

So I’ve learned or extracted a lot of truths from this course that will walk alongside me for the rest of my life. 

If I were to critique the style of the course at all, I think it would be taking the reigns back from the students some when the class wasn’t rewarding, for example, by utilizing break-out groups to invigorate discussion (especially since we were such a large class), and requiring students to present every class. If we had that initial expectation, that, like it or not, we were getting up in front of the room to present something, no matter if it was earth-shattering, every single class, our bloom would have presented at time-lapse speed. I also would have appreciated more feedback, from you, Beth, though I know the size of the class made that difficult. There were times I would write these long blog responses and think, well, did it even matter I put the time and energy into that post? Is anyone reading this? More importantly, I think the feedback would have propelled even more personal growth for each student. Those are small course revisions, however, and really only because hindsight is 20/20.

Overall, I feel grateful that I was able to cast a critical eye at my own creative process and come out the other end with something that is a little less methodical and more coincidental, and I think, more interesting. I look forward to further honing and more sideways seeing next semester in my independent study, where I hope to come out with a diverse and well-crafted exciting portfolio. 

so. i had written a very long post. 

it was a good post.

the server went down on tumblr right as i hit publish, and deleted the whole dern thing. 

note: always select all and copy in the event of such a horrible tragedy.

i will try to reconstruct as best i can now.

my creative source:

inspiration, for me, comes from all over. it comes from a nice long walk on a beautiful, wind-swaying-the-leaves-in-the-trees day. it comes from watching the rain pour and pour, the grey sky changing the color of everything into somehow more true to itself. it comes from the satisfaction of a clean apartment. it comes from a good cup of coffee, tea, or alcoholic beverage of sorts. comes from an exquisitely prepared meal. it comes from music in my ears, inspirational words on a page, intoxicating images laid out on screen, intense conversations with those near and dear to my heart, or those i barely know.

but if i were to try to confine it to one place, it would look like this:

one night, after work, instead of moving straight into tasks-at-hand (making dinner, packing my lunch, laying out clothes for the next day, dishes, and blah blah blah) i set to taking some time for me, time for me to find some creative inspiration. 

i opened the windows, pulled out my typewriter, lit candles, selected an appropriate record and let it start spinning, grabbed the books from my recent visit to the library, and made myself a drink. 

nothing creative came. but i did write a damn fine letter and put it in an envelope, sent to my sister half away across the country. 

i began to think about this assignment more, about what memorable actually  means, considered what i think is memorable, what perhaps society considers memorable… i thought about doing something controversial, you know, because sex sells, but then thought that cliche and not representative of who i am as a person at all. 

i was still dry of ideas. 

i talked with the boy, the one so full of creative energy it is a crime. nothing.

spoke with co-workers. we talked about how memories are memorable to individuals, came back to the whole controversy thing as far as what is memorable to society.

still, no IDEAS.

i realized i was over-thinking it, which i tend to do.

then i began to think about where i’ve struggled the most with in this class, and it comes from a lack of a plan… of letting go and just letting the inspiration find me. the most successful project i’ve had (i think, anyway) was the wolf-mirror photo project… and i used the creative process to flesh out that, and plan it.

i wonder, too, if a work i make comes from not having a plan, does it make it really mine? i feel like that makes it inherently not me. maybe it is, as being my opposite, i don’t know.

that still didn’t help the fact that i didn’t have an idea and the project was soon due. 

i thought about the girl for the last class, who didn’t turn anything in for her project, and how that was so poignant because it was a marker of her letting go. of NOT going through the motions in hopes of getting a grade. in stepping back, the inspiration might find her.

that’s what i decided to do. let the memorable-ness reveal itself.

how the memorable-ness revealed itself:

i started looking through my photoroll, opening pictures that i thought were interesting, not necessarily because they were beautiful (which is a direction i usually go in), and came across about nine i liked. 

i then zoned in on just one, because i thought it was jolting enough to be memorable.

pretty gross, no?

i then opened another one from the set, intuitively, that i thought it could be layered with:

playing with blending modes, and adding a vignette, a theme came across. the text came, with a decent border, and voila:

it may not be the most memorable image in the world, but i do think it is memorable.

there you have it. i let the inspiration find me, which is hard for me to let myself do, and i ended up liking the result.

upon further reflection, i realized that i unconsciously did my self portrait as a collection of three photos. these three photos could easily translate to a exploration of the three “selves”, if you will— id, ego, and superego. if i get access to a tripod and try to do this thing again, i might try to take the pictures which each portion of my psyche in mind.

mem·o·ra·ble

adjective

1. worth remembering; notable: a memorable speech. 2. easily remembered.

Origin:
1400–50; late Middle English  < Latin memorābilis  worth mentioning, equivalent to memorā ( re ) to mention + -bilis -ble

—Related forms

mem·o·ra·bil·i·ty, mem·o·ra·ble·ness, noun mem·o·ra·bly, adverb un·mem·o·ra·ble, adjective

—Synonyms
1.  noteworthy, impressive, celebrated.

so. we’re all here, and some of us are positive why, others not as much. others are losing our muster, others gaining momentum, some trying to find a way to light a spark, others offering their wisdom as to how to get that candle wick to last just a little bit longer. but we’re still here. and the fact that we came to class at all means that we are reasonably interested in answering that question.

chris’s (i believe that’s his name) video about his ultimate goal of making the world a better place by exposing the injustice in the world through new media tools was encouraging, funny, and easy to watch. it had all the pieces that make a new media project successful, and it was my favorite project to see.

we had a lot of reflective projects. (mine included) i found this to be because to find out why you are here, you also have to know who you are. who you are changes throughout your life, as you enter different stages, sometimes subtly, oftentimes intensely, but i think a person who is true to themselves is a person who is still able to present the person they were as a kid, before they knew everything about the big, bad world.

anger girl’s(sorry, i am really bad with names) project was interesting for me, because it provided a foil. i am a person who greatly controls her anger. or, perhaps, i just don’t really ever get angry. either way, i feel like accessing or harnessing this anger in a creative way could lead to some great work. i compartmentalize so many emotions, i think…any recommendations for people who want to let their anger flow?

for my assignment to answer, “why am i here?”, i looked directly to this school, this program, this class. 

i am here to learn more about me. selfish yes, but useful, yes. 

i pretty much hate having my picture taken. 

insecure, i don’t really like the way i look, and have grown up my whole life knowing that i am not “photogenic”. ironically, my twin sister is photogenic. my whole life i’ve heard my mother echo the sentiment… “your sister is so photogenic,  you and me, we’re not. we look better in person.” i’ve accepted it. it’s why i feel, for the most part, i am keen on being behind the camera. and that’s okay, nothing wrong with it.

what is more revealing about who i am than a self-portrait with no makeup, fresh out of the shower, showing all my imperfections, pimples, unevenness in skin-tones, etc? perhaps a full nude shot. but there is no way i could be comfortable with that if i am already pretty uncomfortable with this. 

so i borrowed a friend’s tripod, tried desperately to rearrange the lighting in my tiny apartment to get the best photos of my face, drank a couple vodka mixed drinks, and played some soothing music on the old record player to relax myself, and started pressing the timer button on the camera.  

they didn’t turn out like i wanted. i wanted to look really ugly, truthfully. you know, those portraits you see in black and white that capture all the imperfections of the face that they somehow seem beautiful? my camera is not good enough, i don’t think. either way, though, i feel they have a mood and a sensibility that is vulnerable, revealing, while also being honest. and that is what i was going for. i also think i feel more comfortable in front of the camera now.

i hate having people seeing me without makeup, with my hair wet. i feel as though i look like a rat, or a boy. the only person that regularly sees me without any makeup is my boy and my family. so, there you are folks. the real me. haha.

but anyway, that’s why i’m here. to figure out me. i’ve spent the majority of my life trying to please others. i still try to please my boyfriend too much. (and no, not in that way) but in the way where i put him first before considering my own needs. i’ve tried to reconcile myself to the fact that that is what love is, but sometimes i wonder. should i always give him the best pancakes?

anyway. this school, this program, and now, more specifically, this class, is a road to finding me. 

this will take you to a larger version of the photo.

i will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite films— Closer. it’s based on all the sick-twisted love triangle type stuff that once played a major role in my life. thankfully, that has subsided. the dialogue is rich and acerbic.

It’s a lie. It’s a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and… all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it’s beautiful ‘cause that’s what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone… But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so… the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie. 

sometimes i think everyone is a big fat lie. and that the older we are, the further we get away from our true self, and closer to the one we think everyone wants to see, and that’s who we present.

wow. by far the most “profound” class we’ve had since the get-go. 

it felt a little like an after school special, but in the best possible way. 

i was floored by Colby’s ability to present something to a room full of people she barely knew. scary stuff, big stuff. and yet, she stood up there with grace and courage, as if she expected us to grab our pitchforks and demand for her to be burned alive, but didn’t care the outcome, in that moment, she was honest with the class, yes, but more importantly, herself. in fact, she was beyond honest. she exuded a probity that contradicted her addiction, and to me, in a way, could be a transcending force for her to get over it. 

i have hopes that one day, she will be able to build a special relationship with her son. i hope i hope i hope. 

we finished the class in probably the most suitable way—- with tears. 

monica meredith’s feelings resonated with me. i internalize a lot of things, until they boil over in the most inopportune moments. and typically, because of the most trivial things that don’t matter at all to me. i’ve tried to learn to deal with those emotions in more productive ways. i’ve taken to exercising (which i never used to do), and it really helps burn out all those negative stress feelings. i appreciated her candor, about how her past experiences boxed her in. it was nice to see her step out of her box. i also feel like she is a great girl with lots of smart comments to add to the conversation in class. i have a sense that she sees herself with little value. i hope, by the end of this class, that value has increased.

i will be commenting on her story shortly. 

The “experiments” I responded to most strongly were Brian and Ben’s projects. Their experiments fell more to what I classify as intangible fears, and their experiments were a good reflection of that. 

I found Brian’s presentation of how fear is defined, and then also exposing what his own fears are and where they come from took a lot of courage. He was very vulnerable to the class, and presented something very honest. I appreciate that. In part, because I have similar fears of not being good enough, and also of standing in front of people making a presentation. 

Ben’s fear of not being liked is one that resonates for me. I’m just not sure his experiment of removing chairs from the classroom got the reaction he needed to get over his fear. 

I, too, am a people pleaser. I found that most of my life, I used my people pleasing as an excuse. When I dropped my scholarship my senior year of college, I initially blamed my parents because they pushed me so much to get a scholarship, made me feel as if I couldn’t go to college unless I had one, and I took whatever one I knew I could get, even if it wasn’t really a fit with who I was or what I wanted to become. Eventually, however, I realized they didn’t really put that much pressure on me. I put it on myself, because I am a people pleaser and wanted to make them happy over myself. It’s a fear I’ve kind moved on from, but I still see its habits creep up every now and then. I hope Ben is able to make himself happy first, before others. I think he will find that people will be pleased if he is pleased himself. 

I felt the experiment of removing the chairs from class would have been better if we knew he was the one who took them out, so we could have someone to blame as our bums started to ache. But it turned out that what he tried to do to make us mad, actually made for a more intimate comfortable class, so it almost had an opposite reaction, and so how will Ben actually deal with his fear of no longer being a people pleaser?

Neither of these two favorites impacted my project in a way that was profound. It made me wish I had been a little more revealing about my fears. Bugs are easy. I know. But I do feel I was trying to discover the fear’s deeper association with uncleanliness, but it kind of failed in a larger sense, still being a true discovery for myself, however.